Total Confidence Will Not Save the Day

If you’ve ever read (or had the even cooler experience of being physically present for) any of my previous rants, you probably know that I have big problems with the government bailouts. I’m somewhat ambivalent about the bailouts to the Big Three automakers. I hate the idea of any industry that in so many ways symbolizes America going the way of the dodo bird. I hate even more the idea of 2.5 or 3 million (more) workers being tossed out of their jobs.

I don’t have any real solutions for making the American auto industry viable again. As bad as it is for any of the Big Three to fail, I think they’ve been asking for it. (On that note, I should point out that when Michael Moore and I agree on something, you KNOW that we’re right.) I think that after decades of mismanagement and producing mostly inferior products,* the Big Three deserve very little sympathy. I’m no social Darwinist when it comes to events in individuals’ lives. But when we’re talking about some of the (formerly) richest and most successful companies in the history of the freakin’ world, well, if they can’t keep their sh*t together, then – at this point – let ‘em fail. Get ‘em outta the way so that someone with some fresh ideas can ascend.

In December 2008, GM and Chrysler scored $17.4 BILLION in government “loans.” (Our government explained to us all the it will actually make a profit on the deal when GM and Chrysler – ahem – repays the loans. Hold your breath waiting for that. Then, when you pass out, fall over, and hit your head on the corner of your desk, you can sue Tim Geithner and Lawrence Summers** – and CASH IN!! YAY!) Now GM and Chrysler want another $22 billion to keep them alive. But the sick part is that the NEXT MASSIVE INFUSION OF CASH will not do the trick. The ship is sinking.

In a desperate and kind of pathetic attempt to induce the public to buy, GM now offers its ridiculous Total Confidence Program. The part of this program that bothers me most is the Payment Protection aspect. Under this deal, you can buy a car, wait a few weeks – then get fired, and have GM (aka the United States Government, aka ME AND EVERY OTHER TAX PAYER) cover your car payments for 9 months. Sweet!

What the [Bleeeeeeeeeeeeep]??

Okay, if you want to go buy a Chevy, go right ahead. But don’t expect me to carry your a**. (I’m already making your mortgage payment for you man! Cut me a break already!)

To me completely accurate, the Payment Protection program is basically an insurance policy GM purchased from CynoSure Financial. So it’s not exactly like GM, the federal government, and I are directly paying the car payments of anyone who gets fired after buying a Hummer. But somehow, GM has to pay the premiums for its snazzy new insurance policy. Either it’s doing so with its generous government “loans” – or it’s building the cost of the premiums into the purchase price of the new car. (If it’s the latter, God help us all. Paying for the “payment protection” with the purchase price on the new car that the soon-to-be-fired buyer can’t actually afford… Bernie Madoff tips his hat.)

So, given that it’s too late to save GM, what do we do now?

I’ll tell you what we do:

We start repo’ing cars!!!***

That’s what GM would do if the Buyer couldn’t make his or her payments – back in the good old days before the government started “helping” us by nationalizing entire industries. So now that I own GM, the way I see it, Buyer gets behind on his payments, and HIS CAR IS MINE!

Would you, my overtaxed Reader, like a brand new car? Then take matters into your own hands and TAKE ONE BACK! It’ll feel sooooo good…

With any luck, it’ll have some cherry leather and some kickin’ speakers.


* The only cars I have ever owned (except those driven primarily by my husband) have been Pontiacs. I absolutely adore my current set of wheels, a tricked out 2001 Pontiac Grand Prix. It is a testament to the wisdom of the good folks running GM that they think they will save the company by discontinuing one of their few makes that is actually worth driving. Well done, boys!

**I have many thoughts about Mr. Summers and his views. I encourage you to learn more about him!

*** SATIRE ALERT!!!! Please be smart enough and/or sober enough to realize I’m not actually encouraging you to commit any felonies. Make your mom proud, and stick to misdemeanors. †

†DISCLAIMER: I am not inciting anyone to commit crimes or infractions of
any kind. Geez, can’t you take a joke?