An Open Letter to Nicholas Provetti

First and foremost, how on earth did you, Mr. Provetti, Sr. get those seats? (Nicholas, is your dad single? He may be an a_ _ wipe, but I could accept that in exchange for floor seats next to the bench!) I would KILL – probably literally – to get floor seats next to the bench at a playoff game. Any playoff game. But especially a hotly contested matchup between two Eastern Conference powerhouses brawling it out for the chance to take on King James’s Cavs and maybe, just maybe, fleebin Kobe’s _______________ __________’in __________ Lakers. (Unless of course the Rockets have their way…)

Nicholas – may I call you Nick? – you are an extraordinarily lucky kid. I hope you deserve those floor seats. And you should probably deeply appreciate the fact that your father got you those tix.

Nick, you should know that Big Baby Davis put on a clinic in What Hard Work Means To Me. Seriously, your middle school counselor should take down that worn “Hang In There” poster of the kitty and put up a poster of Big Baby Davis freaking out after winning the game. Because he won the game through pure, old fashioned, hard work.

I know you’re a Magic fan. (We can talk about the wisdom of that choice later. For now, I’ll take the situation as it is.) So I truly understand the heartbreak of the buzzer beater loss. I’ve loved the Celtics since 1984, so – believe me – I understand heartbreaking loss. But this “teachable moment” is bigger than one game. It’s about Saving America. America truly believes in the idea of pulling oneself up by ye olde bootstraps. And even if that’s a myth, it’s a damn useful myth, kiddo!

When Baby was playing at LSU,[1] he was often compared to Shaq. I think that means the media and the analysts mostly thought he was big and slow, but capable of blocking up the lane without getting a 3-sec violation and catching the occasional rebound. And hitting 50% or more of his free throws.

Doc Rivers (an absolute ______in’ genius at developing talent[2]) told Glen to do nothing all summer but practice his jump shot. And so he did. I still remember the first time I saw Big Baby knock down a 13-foot jumper. When he did it again, I started calling people trumpeting the fact that the Celts had this new weapon. And when he started hitting them consistently, from 15 to 17 feet, I sat back, shut up, and let his game speak for itself.

And then, the unbelievable buzzer beater. Orlando actually defended that play pretty well. Of course they covered Ray Allen.[3] Of course they double-teamed Paul Pierce. No one thought Glen Davis would take the final shot – no one except Glen Davis and Doc Rivers. Because they knew how hard he’d worked and how this team would need it.

And right after the Payoff Shot – the payoff for all his hard work – he completely lost it!!! Can you imagine hitting the buzzer beating, playoff game winning jump shot? And we all saw how Davis tried to avoid running into a ref, and as a result, he bumped you. Holy crap, man!!! The guy who won the game TOUCHED YOU! I BET HE’D SIGN THAT CAP YOU WERE WEARING!!! If you have no reason to believe in anything else, you could sell the damn hat on Ebay and start saving for your college education.

I’m sorry your dad made a giant stink. His team lost. (I read somewhere that he “used to be” a Celtics fan. Here’s another life lesson: LOYALTY COUNTS. Ask your dad to explain exactly when he stopped being a Celts fan. If it was during the very long lean years, you can ask him what it means to be a fair weather friend.)

I will take the high road and not draw any conclusions about whether your dad is a racist. Most people who compare black men – even professional basketball players! – to “raging animals” in this millennium are called racists. (To be fair, ESPN has gotten away with it. I’ve heard their commentators state that certain black Southern football players “know the difference between sic and get ‘em.” Apparently it’s okay in Los Angeles studios to compare Southern black athletes to animals.[4])

According to the Orlando Sentinel, your dad has since apologized – to Davis and to Danny Ainge. And that’s great. I think it’s great that Davis apologized to (you and) your dad. But has your dad apologized to you? He claimed in front of the entire nation that you were “embarrassed” by Big Baby’s actions. Really?? Or was it more embarrassing for your dad to be a giant A- - Wipe in the worldwide media? No offense to you, Nick, but your dad pretty much gave you a swirly that will be remembered by EVERYONE WHO WATCHES THE NBA PLAYOFFS.

That sucks, kiddo. But there is a silver lining for you and for every 12-year-old who has a dumb, publicity- (and probably lawsuit-) hungry loser as a parent: this will be AWESOME ammunition in a few years when you have a really good reason to rebel! Dad tries to give you sh*t about anything at all, telling you that whatever you are upset about isn’t a big deal, remind dad about how he made WORLDWIDE NEWS about how much it sucks to have floor seats at a playoff game with his kid.

Then remind him how he walked uphill through the snow to school when he was your age. Then steal his car and flip him off as you drive away.

Nick, best of luck to you. And I hope you enjoy the rest of the playoffs. If you know where to get floor seats next to the bench at the Garden for Game 7, please let me know RIGHT NOW!!!
[1] I was in Vegas for the Final Four that year. Nick, I strongly recommend experiencing that brand of March Madness.
[2] Rest assured, Dear Reader, there will be more posts dissecting the genius of Doc Rivers, and about the priceless skill of developing talent.
[3] Please give generously to the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation on behalf of Ray and his family.
[4] I draw a distinction for allegedly racist “comments” like Vogue’s LeBron and Gisele cover. That supposedly compared LeBron to King Kong and Gisele to Fay Wray. For anyone who misses the reference, I assure you that Gisele could’ve kicked Fay’s ass, and after hangin’ with Tom Brady, she can probably hold her own with LeBron.